O Brave New World, That Hath Such Products In't

I've been watching the good old television rather a lot lately, because it's easy to do when you're heavily sedated. Sedation notwithstanding, I've noticed an interesting trend in a certain class of consumer products. I would actually call it a distressing trend, or a disturbing trend, or some kind of trend that has an ominous d-word as its' adjective. Why the alarm? We shall see.

Now, consumer products have been touting themselves as "clinically proven" for years beyond count. I can only presume this means that Suave Shampoo has their very own Suave Shampoo Clinic that they use for clinically proving things that they want to have clinically proven about their shampoo. Maybe this is a bit paranoid of me, to be so damned certain that they would never use an independent lab to prove out these things.

Actually, I have heard commercials claim that independent labs have verified the claims that they make. I just wonder if those independent labs are remembering who's paying the bills. And I also wonder what happens when the lab results are not flattering. File 13, I'm sure.

But that's all in the past, said and done, old news.

What I find really delightful and chilling are all the amazing new technological breakthroughs our scientific community is rolling on out to an ecstatic world. Amazing new breakthroughs in the field of...

Cosmetics.

You'd hardly credit the things they're coming out with these days to keep us all young and beautiful. Let's start with one of my very vague favorites: Proactiv solution has what they call "micro-crystal medicine" to take care of your zits. On the TV commercial they show a sort of pinkish pocket which I suppose is supposed to represent a pore, and then they manipulate the graphic so that some white angular grains pour down in there. Witness the miracle of micro-crystal medicine. Nobody really knows what it is, but it's white and crystally and gets into your pores. Sounds like a solid buy.

Now, the Aveeno company has some very interesting stratagems in the use of "active naturals". It's fascinating what plants and suchlike they manage to use in their various hand creams and lotions. Feverfew makes a big appearance, so big, in fact, that they have to say that it's related to chamomile. I suppose people might be distrustful of it otherwise. Everyone trusts chamomile. We put it in tea and drink it, so how dangerous could it possibly be?

Some of the more adventurous ingredients? Well, you have your salicylic acid, for one (this is obtained directly from willow bark. Why don't they just say so?), also your olive leaf and shitake complex. Now, the shitake is a mushroom. How do they get a complex out of a mushroom? Who knows. And let's not forget soy. Soy and soy extracts and soy complexes are a vital part of all of this.

Shea butter and cocoa butter are not in short supply either.

But there are far more esoteric ingredients than mere plants. For example, Olay Regenerist Advanced Anti-Aging Eye Lifting Serum (and yes, that is the full product name, no stops and all) boasts of its amino-peptide and b3 complex. What is that supposed to mean?

Well, before the question of what it is supposed to mean is tackled, let us first, in good philosophical fashion, address the question of what is it supposed to be. This is an easy answer.

It is supposed to be confusing. And therefore, what it is supposed to mean is that one should take faith in that which one does not understand and buy the product. After all, if I can't understand it, it must be really good. Hence amino-peptides and B3 complexes.

Along the same lines we find Top Care Exfoliating Detoxifying Daily Regenerating Cleanser for Face. Yes, that is the name of one product, as seen on the front of the product label. One wonders, what with the detoxifying and regenerating, what it can't do. Perhaps is will make me a sandwich next. And the sandwich would be rich with oxygenated derma-beads (your guess is as good as mine) and that good ol' amino-peptide complex. A perennial favorite.

But I have yet to get to the really terrifying one... L'Oreal Youth Code.

Yes, the name itself sounds like it should denote a French street gang (hard to imagine, but I'm working on it) or else one of those secret societies like Skull and Bones or the Masons or the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elk.

But, sadly, it is neither of these. L'Oreal Youth Code is simply the scariest thing on the cosmetics aisle. To put it in their own words: "after 10 years of research scientists have unlocked the code of skin's youth by discovering a specific set of genes that are responsible for skin's natural power of regeneration."

Apparently, this twiddling around with your genes "reduces signs of stress, fatigue, and aging".

They also were good enough to clarify that their 10 years of gene research were an in vivo study. Which pretty much means - no, which exactly means they were experimenting on live stuff! Live people, even!

And, of course, this product, along with countless others, comes in the form of a "serum". This is somehow different from creams and lotions and gels and I don't know what else. I know that it sounds more convincing than any of them, like something you might get from a doctor. And yet you get it off a shelf in the grocery store, fork over your forty bucks, and head on home to mess around with home-made gene therapy, which probably works just as billed.

Until your face melts off.

But, then, we probably have a serum for that, too.