Why I Dislike Helen Keller

Yes, you read that right. I dislike Helen Keller. I severely dislike her.

But how? Isn't she an American Icon, a Symbol of Triumph over Damned Near Everything?

Of course she is. I still can't stand her.

The first reason is Anne Sullivan. She has always gotten the short end of the stick in the poignant drama that is the life of Helen Keller. Let's remember... Helen Keller was blind and deaf at the same time (this is, of course, why she's famous, more or less) and Anne Sullivan managed to put her in contact with the world of physical stuff.

Yeah, and who's on the state quarter for whatever the hell state she's from? Helen Keller.

Which is pretty much my second reason. Provided I were in the right mood, I could see how Helen Keller deserves some acclaim. The amount she gets is vastly out of proportion. After all, what did she ever do?

I would say nothing, on the following reasoning: what she did all her life was be who she was. She made speeches and made appearances and was a Symbol of Triumph over Damned Near Everything. She was basically Paris Hilton with the redeeming virtues of being inspiring and a worthy role model for the deaf and blind.

Okay, so she's closer to Princess Diana than Paris Hilton. It's still a step skipped: generally, one has to do something before hitting the lecture circuit, and learning to talk doesn't count.

Which brings us to reason number three... philosophy. Yes, philosophy. I find Helen Keller epistemically unfeasible.

Stand by, big words... what do I mean by that? In terms of the sensory knowledge of the world to which she had access, I find some of the feats she pulled off questionable.

Big example: she learned to talk. Now, we're talking about a woman who has never heard a word spoken (except for early childhood, but that's beside the point). Somehow, she manages to produce sounds which fall upon the ear as words. While it sounds not quite credible, there are in fact a lot of people who are deaf and have learned to speak by linguistic rote, as it were. And, since they can see to read, they can expand their vocabulary of spoken words to encompass whatever their lexical needs might be.

Helen Keller doesn't fit this model. I'll certainly admit to her being capable of making an audible noise. I'll less readily admit to her forming such a noise into a word. I find it quite off the wall to think that she managed to develop however many thousands of words are required for fluency in the English language by shaping mouth-noises gradually into word sounds.

This is the point where someone says, "Yeah, but look. She did it, even if you don't think she could have. She did."

I know. That doesn't mean I have to like it or feel all nice and fuzzy-comfortable about it. In a philosophical sense, it gives me the shrieking chibbers.

So, bring on the hate mail, dear readers. I think I've managed to insult enough people today. And, if you feel like your personal hero, minority group, or self has not been insulted, I'm always open to requests.