I am not gay. I am thin. And neat.

Editor's note: This was originally posted on MySpace at 1803 EST on 25 January, 2007. It makes reference to a comment posted by my sister, saying "you are a gay man"; this comment was made because I had set up my profile background to be pink.


I am not gay.

I am thin. And neat.

There is a difference, even though it's a subtle one, and often difficult for people to grasp. I'm going to spill the beans here, in an act of massive treason to men everywhere (I'm giving away the game, you see):

It is perfectly possible for a heterosexual male to be other than a slovenly Neanderthal. They can dress well. They can even make shift to shop for the clothes in which they will thus dress themselves. They can appreciate such topics as art, dance, the theater, music, and even interior decor. They can not only appreciate fine dining, but many can actually prepare such meals themselves. In short...

Straight guys can, in fact, do all the things most straight guys call "gay". Surprise, gents, the cat is out of the bag. Surprise, ladies, they've been fooling you for years, I bet.

Yep, me lads, I've finally been pushed too far. My curtains that match my bedspread have been mocked for the last time. Enough snide snickers have been directed at my color-coordinated towels and my objets d'art to tip me over into a treacherous state of umbrage. I kept your dirty little secret for many years, fellows, covering up for your unshaven sweaty-t-shirted corndog-greased belching ways. I let them all think that that's just the way men naturally are, and that I was some kind of abnormal effeminate nancyboy.

Have fun, boys, next time you're watching the game and she informs you the two of you are going to a wine-tasting before you hit the new musical that's opening at the local repertory theater.

Because the old standby of "what, am I some kind of sissy queer?" has now gone the way of all things. Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen. What fun you'll have.

I know I would.

Because I'm thin. And neat.

Ask anyone.

(Oh, and Maggie: this is what happens when you call me gay. I hope you're proud of all that you've accomplished.)